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Sad Mama

2015 equals one sad mama.

Today.

Is my first day back at work. Well actually I am writing this post two nights in advance because I assume tomorrow night will be a sobfest + coffee ice cream soothe the pain daze.*

In those first couple of days bringing Presley home, I didn't know what I was in for. It was so hard. I was so tired. I was literally hurting all over my body. Yet this little lady quickly enraptured my heart so fiercely I have never felt anything like it. How lucky am I to have been able to spend 4.5 months at home with her?

I am beside myself that I am leaving her to return to work. Hoping to get a parking spot, to ride public transportation (most likely without a seat) to get to a job that is just that...a job. I'm devastated.
I am having a hard time hiding my sad face. I feel bad too for I know my husband knows more than anything I wish to stay home with Presley.

I want to breastfeed her on demand, not pump in an isolated office. I want to take her monthly photo every month on the 20th and wait for the best lighting in her room (10am!). I want to not feel guilt if she needs me and I am waiting for a late train to return home. Every moment, every milestone I want to witness.
Even the hard times. Like when she fights me going to sleep for three hours. When she poops up the back of her onesie. As her first teeth are coming in. The cries, the screams, the hair raising "get me out of here!" moments.

Even when she is right in front of my face...I already miss her.

I know too that the grass is always greener on the other side and sure I would miss things about work (hello daytime Giants baseball games). But those hardly outweigh being home with my girl watching her discover new things. I am an asset and slowly depreciating by clocking into an office. (This is just in relation to me, not to all working mom's)

Luckily I have one incredible boss so that helps immensely. That and tuna tartar at the restaurant next door...maybe today won't be so bad?

If you need me I'll be crying into my pump...

*Well Sunday was a sobfest but dammit I ate all the ice cream on Saturday night. Poor planning.

17 comments

  1. I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave that adorable little face.. stay strong mama! Try to think about how special it will be coming home to her! She'll admire you for being a working mom someday, I know I do with my mom.

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  2. It's hard, I know, but hang in there sweet mama!!!! Enjoy the tartar & love from your girl when you get home!!! XO

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  3. Prayers to you today. I know it is so, so hard. I went back to work when my first was just six weeks old. I've done both the stay at home mom and working mom gig and both are SO very hard for different reasons. Sending hugs and comfort your way!! It will get a little bit easier as you establish a routine :)

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  4. Thinking of you today, mama! Hoping the day is going okay!

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  5. stay strong mama! i'm sure it'll be a struggle but it'll be worth it to see that sweet face when you get home. xo jillian - cornflake dreams

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  6. Awww friend, I hope your first few weeks back at work go by quickly and that you're transition back into the swing of things goes smoothly!! :)

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  7. I love your take on motherhood in this post. You explained the love between momma and baby perfectly. I recently found that I no longer had common interests with an old friend because she doesn't feel this way about motherhood and gladly went back to work without hesitation. It made me feel weird for feeling all these feelings you described ... Especially missing her when she's right in front of my face. I know today will be hard, and I can't imagine the flood of emotions you must be feeling. But I trust that you are strong and will make this work! You've got this Momma!

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  8. Hang in there mama!! I know today is going to suck but each day will get easier and think of how exciting it will be when you get to see her sweet face tonight. Sending you lots of love today!

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  9. I know its hard and you are grateful for the time spent as most working moms get 8 weeks at most. I've been in your shoes as I'm the breadwinner and my husband stays home with the kids. It's hard to imagine now thinking you are going to miss everything but it does get easier. Coming home to kids that will learn to appreciate everything you do at work and at home is worth it. She loves you and longs for you like you do her but you are showing her that a woman can have it all.

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  10. Hang in there, the first few days are the hardest.

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  11. You got this! Coffee ice cream is my go-to also :)

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  12. I love all the support you have received from such strong, insightful ladies! I trust you made it through your first tough day -- and were so delighted to see your little girl!!! I loved reading what you had to say about returning to work. I admire you, and am so proud of you, and am so very happy that you are the mother of my grandchild! Love from Nona

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  13. I loved the honesty in this post and the love you have for your little one. Best wishes to you as you venture back.

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  14. Hoping your transition back to work has been going okay! Sending lots of postive thoughts your way! :)

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  15. Oh no, stay strong! It'll be okay I promise! These are beautiful photos too.

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