50 Minutes

I tried to write something poignant yesterday about surviving my first day back at work but honestly I couldn't think of anything to say. David so kindly dropped me off at bart only for me to discover the train was running late. My commute in I felt like a sardine crammed so tight I could barely breath. I found myself wistfully looking at a pregnant woman who got a seat next to me when we were both able to sit.

"When are you due?" I couldn't help but casually inquire. I was envious that she was still getting to spend uninterrupted time with her baby.
"Oh how wonderful! I had a little girl in August and today is my first day back at work." I told her as I tried to balance my large bag carrying all my pump parts.

And as if she knew I needed to hear it her next words were "Don't be too hard on yourself today."

Could she see it on my face? Could she feel the lump in my throat? The mist in my eyes? No she was just another mama who knew what I was going through - this was her second pregnancy.

I must say she brightened my day and the rest of the day went pretty uneventfully. FaceTiming while pumping was the highlight.

David, Presley and Finn all picked me up which I was so looking forward to. However I couldn't touch P with my gross "public transportation" hands so I had to just stare aggressively at her instead.

But then when we got home she wouldn't crack one of those infamous smiles for me (which I am a pro at getting her to produce) and that made me sad. And then quickly after she decided she was too cranky to be awake.

50 minutes.

That is how long I got to spend with her yesterday.

Of course she has no idea what sleep through the night means so I did get to see her again a little later. But then I got tired from being up so early for work I couldn't even finish The Bachelor. I found that when she woke up to eat at midnight...I was frustrated. I was ripped out of deep sleep and she just was NOT HAPPY and honestly neither was I.

Then I was mad at myself for having no patience. But all I could think about was how I needed to be up at 6am. No naps scheduled for me tomorrow.
Pre-work when naps were on the agenda
I'm happy to report that Tuesday was much easier in terms of leaving her. Still it's not easy but hopefully soon. Time is everything right?

I need a cocktail...


  1. You just made me teary eyed! Listen to that other mom and don't be too hard on yourself - I know it's easier said than done. Love the picture of you two FaceTiming - her smile is adorable. Glad to hear yesterday was a bit easier! xoxo

  2. Awe!! I'm sure it will get easier each day, but I can see how hard its got to be leaving that beautiful smile at home!!

  3. Oh my gosh that big smile! Some days will be easier than others, hang in there mama!

  4. Ok that photo of her smiling at you is just the sweetest thing ever!! Day by day - it'll get easier!! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

  5. how sweet! I can't say I can relate, but I know one day I'll be in your shoes (if i'm so blessed to have a beautiful baby like you!) and I can't imagine how difficult it is! But I know time does ease the pain! and it's hump day...then you get two whole days :)

  6. Good job Mama and I love those words of advice! Don't be too hard on yourself... perfectly stated. She is too precious and that FaceTime chat is just perfection!! Hoping each day gets easier and easier for you, love!

  7. I love that you were next to that mama and the words she shared, too neat. That FaceTime pic is adorable, hoping each day is a little better than the last for you!

  8. That mama-to-be nailed it- must have been instinct! That face time snap just made my day by the way! You can do it! xoxo

  9. aww i hope it gets better soon! thank god for facetime! xo jillian - cornflake dreams

  10. Wish I could pour you a glass of wine and give you a hug! I won't pretend to know how hard it is to leave your baby at home, but thank goodness for Facetime during work and I know it will get easier as time goes on. Sometimes it takes a little bit to establish a new normal, but yall will get there!

  11. Aww the Facetime picture is the best! You totally deserve a drink - with that sweet baby in your arms ;)

  12. I'm glad you had that chat with the pregnant lady on the train. Keep your chin up, show your coworkers pictures of your daughter frequently, and know that it's almost Friday!!

  13. This made me so sad and I've never even had a baby...so I can't even begin to understand! My heart goes out to you, I hope it gets easier soon. Wish I could hug you and pour you a glass of wine. xxx

  14. Awww mama, I just wanna give you a big hug! That FT is the cutest pic. Here's to the weekend coming sooner! And pour yourself a big glass of vino!

    xx Viv at JoieDeViv