At times I want to yell at myself to enjoy this moment right now. That going from one to two children is a game changer. Not to mention more expensive, more time consuming, more energy. Two children in diapers seems daunting not to mention tiring. Did I mention I am still tired from the first one?
I am trying to keep the desire still, tell it "not now". But I can't seem to shake it and as the months tick by it has only gotten louder. The soft wavelike movements, the swell of my belly, the anticipation of labor. Who will he or she be? What will he or she dream?
This baby is nothing but a thought and yet I think about you as if you are already here. I can imagine rocking you as I did with your sister all those nights when it was just us. Alone together in a dark room, dad was the only one sleeping like a baby and it was just her and me staring at one another trying to figure it all out. We still stare and we are still trying to figure it all out.
The problem with babies as we all know is that babies don't keep. God willing, they grow, they become independent and you hope that when they leave your nest you have raised them to be confident and caring individuals. While I know this day is far away with my firstborn I am also acutely aware of how fast that day will come. Don't blink.
I am trying to shush the yearning. To enjoy these months with my rapidly growing toddler. Mostly because I know that the yearning will never really subside. While my husband and I are both children of families of five, we only wish to be a family of four. So this next hypothetical baby, is also my last baby.
l a s t b a b y
This baby - who is nothing more than a thought - I am already thinking of him/her in terms of last. Last pregnancy, last birth, last first foods, last first steps. How ridiculous is that? You're not even here and I am already worried about time vanishing in front of me.
I'm not ready to have another baby - but that's partially in fear because I am not ready to say we're done having babies.
So today I will whole heartedly embrace my daughter and continue to dream of who you will be.