In hindsight

Time.

It's such an interesting thing. Sometimes it drags (hello Monday-Friday) and other times it seemingly goes at warp speed. We can't bottle it up, nor go back in time as much as we wish we could.  When I clicked on my timehop app on my phone I was all too well reminded that two years ago today was my first day back at work after having P. As soon as I saw the photo pop up it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember taking this photo and subsequently sobbing after I put her to bed that evening.

Those first couple of weeks back at work were difficult. P was still not sleeping through the night and every morning I left her it felt as it my heart was breaking all over again. Honestly - she was just too damn little to leave - even with a generous maternity leave of 4.5 months. America has maternity leave so darn backwards.

However now, two years later, I can honestly say that I feel like everything was a blessing in disguise. Had I not returned to work I may have never developed my love of photography to the point of making it my other job. Maybe one day - my only job. Sure I likely would have picked up the camera more but I don't know that I ever would have begun taking photos for others.

Photography brings me so much joy. I love creating, composing and capturing details of our families life just as much as other families lives. After a great first year in business I am so proud of myself. I am proud that I did something scary. That I tried something new. That I allowed myself time and time again to be "uncomfortable".

I guess this is just my way of saying that even when you think things don't go your way - they just very well might be. You just need to give it a little time.

How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and there will never be a time when it is not now.

- Gerald Jamplosky

7

Green Thumb of Bitterness

Whenever my husband and I talked about the future and children we always discussed me staying at home. It was never the plan, yet always the discussion. However when the new year rolled around we both decided that me working was more logical for our family. While I was very fortunate to have a combined six months off work it was still incredibly difficult to leave my baby.

My squishy, adorable, wants to sleep in your arms very young five month old baby.

From that very first day back at work I planted a seed. A very bitter seed.

I would like to call it a weed. However those tend to spring up on their own. I willingly planted mine and then generously proceeded to water it.

You see, when I went back to work I was upset. I was denied a shorter work week. I was sitting in traffic for over two hours each day. I felt my value as a mother was being diminished. Honestly I wasn't giving myself enough credit at the time. I was wanted and needed at work - I was just having a hard time of knowing where to invest myself.

The struggle of a lot of working mom I assume, is not knowing where to put your percentages. 50% at work and 50% at home means no one is getting 100% of you. As the months waxed on I began to accept the title of "working mom".  My parents stepped up to help watch my daughter and did so unabashedly and joyously. Never asking for anything in return.

At work I would write on the dry erase calendar "I QUIT!" on certain days and quickly erase it. I had dates set in my mind. April 1st - came and went, nope bad timing. Shortly after my husband would get into a pretty serious accident and my next date quickly came and left the calendar, Aug. 1st. All the while my seed growing, flourishing really.

I found myself saddened that I missed out on the months when she still wanted to be held. When she was immobile and content to just stare at one another all day. I wished so badly we could have spent hours on the couch together cooing into one another's eyes. But the truth was - well, we weren't and it was time I let it go. For her sake but mostly for my own.

As I approach her first birthday, my first gift to her is to be done watering this seed. So often I tell people, "Let it go", "It's out of your control" "What can you do about it". It's high time I start taking my own advice.

So today I am ripping out the weed that has been growing inside of me. I feel like I have missed out on a lot but there are far many more people in this world who make much greater sacrifices for their families.

So I am keeping it in perspective, letting go of the bitterness and starting anew.

When I look back on my daughters first birthday photos I will do so with pride. We made it and ya know what? We're are all going to be more than okay.

10

there aren't enough hours

There aren't enough hours
regardless of an extra hour of daylight

laundry is piling up
groceries need to be purchased
the dog needs to go for a walk
mama needs a nap

There aren't enough hours

I want to make dinner for my husband
But I ought to learn how to cook better
leftovers spoil
takeout is bought too often

There aren't enough hours

I purposely got glitter toenail polish on my toes
so I would be forced to get a pedicure
because getting glitter off is damn near impossible
but there are so many other things I rather be doing

There aren't enough hours

snuggling my baby girl
enjoying the sunshine
going to brunch
walking around a farmers market
feeling the sand under my toes
watching a movie cuddled up with my husband

There aren't enough hours

It is so very hard to be a working mom
feeling like I am not giving 100% anywhere
not at work and not at home
it's mentally exhausting

There aren't enough hours

To think that two hours of my day are spent commuting
eight hours are spent working
eight hours are (wishfully thinking) spent sleeping
and two-three are spent with P & David seems so unbalanced

There aren't enough hours

Thank goodness for tomorrow.

 Sorry for the vent but just proof that it's not always sunshine and rainbows around here!

10

Risk

If you follow me along on Instagram you saw that on Thursday of last week I shared that I was denied my request for a four day work week. Not to be a broken record, but we are bumming pretty hard around here. Although by that point I was expecting it (I had asked the past Wednesday and it took eight days for a response) I was still surprised that no alternative solution could be met. I had presented my boss with three "hypothetical situations" in order of desire:

1. A 32-hour work week
2. A 40-hour work week (1 day work from home)
3. A 36-hour work week with a half days on Wednesday (A mid week pick me up)

Although any of those situations would have been better than nothing. Nothing is exactly what was received. You see I work in property management in commercial real estate. I am the onsite contact for tenants and vendors. So I was told that a presence is needed in the office M-F 9-5. Actually I am well aware of this and I knew that working from home would either be denied or ineffective - but I still had to make it an option.

As the words seemed to slow motion roll out of my bosses mouth I just kept repeating to myself  

 "Don't you dare cry"

I was a champ. I brushed his words off my shoulder like dust and said "I just had to ask. For myself, for Presley. If the opportunity was available. I just had to ask"

I feel like before I became someone's mom, I never would have done this. I usually can go with the flow and just accept that things are what they are. However, that is so not okay. That is not who I want Presley to be. I want her to ask for the things she wants, the things she deserves. So I know my example setting days are already here.

The conversation actually was relieving because at some point this year I am hoping to be able to stay home. My husband is fully on board - I just know that now is not quite the right time for us. That felt like a dirty little secret that I was hiding from my boss. But because my boss himself is a father he also followed up by saying "I also understand if you want to look elsewhere for a job". Right now I commute into San Francisco, which takes me about an hour or longer each way. It's a pain but pay is higher in the city and my job does has a lot of advantages to it. Hence the commute.

I did express that while I am not currently looking for a new job I do at some point wish to stay home with Presley. He again said he understands and what happens, happens. He really is a gem when it comes to having a wonderful boss.

I have always loved the quote from Oprah that "luck is preparation meeting opportunity". So while this is not what I was wanting to hear I do feel like it has set me up for a better tomorrow (so to speak). My boss tells me to leave early on some days and he allows me to waltz in around 9am. Honestly I have it pretty darn good here. I also know that when the day comes to put in a two week notice it will be understood. And even better - filled with compassion.

In the meantime I'll be saving a little more & sacrificing a little more so that our dream can be a reality. It may even mean relocating our family to best fit our needs.

Because it comes down to this.

When I am laying at God's Gate waiting to enter. My memories won't be about the days I spent behind a desk. They will be filled with how Presley crashes her head onto my shoulder in the middle of the night. How David gets a sparkle in his eye when he has caught a big fish. How my mom gets excited when she has found a great deal. How when my dad really smiles - the corners of his eyes crinkle. The bond with my sisters and the beautiful blessings of my nephews.

All the little things that in the end were really all the big things.

18

Yay for Friday!

You guys I am so PUMPED it's Friday!! I plan on sleeping in a little later than normal tomorrow morning and then taking a midday nap with my best girl. I honestly cannot think of anything that sounds more amazing. (Well we could be doing all that in Maui and that would be better).

On Wednesday I forgot some of my pump parts at home so my boss said I could skedaddle early (his wife used to nurse so he knows what up!) I got home by 2pm, fed Presley and then we crawled into bed and slept curled into one another for over an hour. It was exactly what I needed to recharge.

I've since ordered spare parts to the office so I don't make that mistake again. In fact I think I am going to do a post on pumping in the office pretty soon. I am a super freak about  my milk supply and pretty consistently get about 12.5 oz/day out while I am at work.

Also for Christmas I got a little spoiled and received a 15" MacBook Pro Air with Retina Display. You guys I am LOVING it!! Still a little confusing from time to time but love it so much better than a PC. Infinity times more than Windows 8! Now when I get that pesky "Phone storage almost full" notification I don't have to freak out over what to delete.

I know I already told you about my shopping extravaganza while I was visiting my sister but these boots are so worth the money. They are insanely comfortable - I can wear them for hours. Push the stroller in them non stop. Now I see why my mother in law has them in three different colors!

I also want to say that I cannot say thank you enough for everything this blogging community does for me. The amount of support I received this week -via Instagram, text, emails, this blog - was unbelievable. It really made such a huge difference and helped so much. So from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU you guys are the best!!

Lastly if you read all those parenting books you would notice that they ALL contradict one another. Here is one mama's take on it that has gone viral and it couldn't be more true! Read it HERE.

13

50 Minutes

I tried to write something poignant yesterday about surviving my first day back at work but honestly I couldn't think of anything to say. David so kindly dropped me off at bart only for me to discover the train was running late. My commute in I felt like a sardine crammed so tight I could barely breath. I found myself wistfully looking at a pregnant woman who got a seat next to me when we were both able to sit.

"When are you due?" I couldn't help but casually inquire. I was envious that she was still getting to spend uninterrupted time with her baby.
"April"
"Oh how wonderful! I had a little girl in August and today is my first day back at work." I told her as I tried to balance my large bag carrying all my pump parts.

And as if she knew I needed to hear it her next words were "Don't be too hard on yourself today."

Could she see it on my face? Could she feel the lump in my throat? The mist in my eyes? No she was just another mama who knew what I was going through - this was her second pregnancy.

I must say she brightened my day and the rest of the day went pretty uneventfully. FaceTiming while pumping was the highlight.

David, Presley and Finn all picked me up which I was so looking forward to. However I couldn't touch P with my gross "public transportation" hands so I had to just stare aggressively at her instead.

But then when we got home she wouldn't crack one of those infamous smiles for me (which I am a pro at getting her to produce) and that made me sad. And then quickly after she decided she was too cranky to be awake.

50 minutes.

That is how long I got to spend with her yesterday.

Of course she has no idea what sleep through the night means so I did get to see her again a little later. But then I got tired from being up so early for work I couldn't even finish The Bachelor. I found that when she woke up to eat at midnight...I was frustrated. I was ripped out of deep sleep and she just was NOT HAPPY and honestly neither was I.

Then I was mad at myself for having no patience. But all I could think about was how I needed to be up at 6am. No naps scheduled for me tomorrow.

Pre-work when naps were on the agenda

I'm happy to report that Tuesday was much easier in terms of leaving her. Still it's not easy but hopefully soon. Time is everything right?

I need a cocktail...

15

Sad Mama

2015 equals one sad mama.

Today.

Is my first day back at work. Well actually I am writing this post two nights in advance because I assume tomorrow night will be a sobfest + coffee ice cream soothe the pain daze.*

In those first couple of days bringing Presley home, I didn't know what I was in for. It was so hard. I was so tired. I was literally hurting all over my body. Yet this little lady quickly enraptured my heart so fiercely I have never felt anything like it. How lucky am I to have been able to spend 4.5 months at home with her?

I am beside myself that I am leaving her to return to work. Hoping to get a parking spot, to ride public transportation (most likely without a seat) to get to a job that is just that...a job. I'm devastated.

I am having a hard time hiding my sad face. I feel bad too for I know my husband knows more than anything I wish to stay home with Presley.

I want to breastfeed her on demand, not pump in an isolated office. I want to take her monthly photo every month on the 20th and wait for the best lighting in her room (10am!). I want to not feel guilt if she needs me and I am waiting for a late train to return home. Every moment, every milestone I want to witness.

Even the hard times. Like when she fights me going to sleep for three hours. When she poops up the back of her onesie. As her first teeth are coming in. The cries, the screams, the hair raising "get me out of here!" moments.

Even when she is right in front of my face...I already miss her.

I know too that the grass is always greener on the other side and sure I would miss things about work (hello daytime Giants baseball games). But those hardly outweigh being home with my girl watching her discover new things. I am an asset and slowly depreciating by clocking into an office. (This is just in relation to me, not to all working mom's)

Luckily I have one incredible boss so that helps immensely. That and tuna tartar at the restaurant next door...maybe today won't be so bad?

If you need me I'll be crying into my pump...

*Well Sunday was a sobfest but dammit I ate all the ice cream on Saturday night. Poor planning.

17

Just Call Me the Grinch

I've been dreading December...

Lights going up on houses simply reminds me that my maternity leave is soon coming to an end. I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around how I am going to leave my sweet girl everyday. Truthfully, I am in denial.

And it makes me so sad.

Commuting into San Francisco everyday just doesn't seem as exciting anymore. Happy hour after work is trumped by after bath snuggles. My Starbucks habit has dropped - and perhaps a few pounds with that!

I just feel like I am of so much more value at home. I don't want to miss the milestones. I don't want to rush the mornings, missing out on those amazing morning smiles. I know there will be days I wish I worked in an office. Right now is not it.

Tell me how do you working mamas do it?

20